Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 213-November 29th:

So I fell in love with this song a few days ago, but have had a lot of other things to process. Anyway I couldn't decide what to post for today, so here goes:

Monday, November 28, 2011

Day 212-November 28th: sacrifice=mistakes???

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about my future but I had a really nice conversation with a random acquaintance last night and eventually we got to the point where he said this to me: He told me that he had a theory about 21 year old girls. He said they are no good for commitment, because they finally start to realize how much they are worth. I think he's right, not in the fact that I'm realizing how much I'm worth to men, but how much I'm worth to the world. I want to be a good teacher, and I can't waste these efforts just to end up teaching all white middle class students or working as a secretary (not that this thought doesn't cross my mind everyday.) Then he told me something else that shattered me: that true love is built around a lot of sacrifice, and that maybe it's my turn to make some mistakes. But...what if my sacrifice wasn't a mistake? What if it led me to everything I've ever wanted?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Day 211: November 27th: a plethora

Today was one of those days where so many good and bad things happened, that I'm not entirely sure what to write about. I started off the morning with some well needed lay in bed time. Then I headed to Al's breakfast for some delicious eggs benedict (seriously the best I have ever had) and some blueberry walnut pancakes with my friend. It's our traditional meal from there, and considering we haven't been there in way over a year, it was necessary to treat ourselves....or for him to treat me.

Once we got back, we said our goodbyes, which wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and yet was way harder than I thought it would be. I'm just in such a confused place, and he makes it clear what I want, and yet everything is so foggy. I know.....none of this makes sense unless you are me.

Anyway I headed to the hardware store to get insulating plastic to cover the windows in my room, because it's getting chilly and decided to make a quick stop into old navy to check their deals on sweaters. Lucky for me they had buy one get one 75% off, so I was able to get 2 sweaters for $18. I should be set for winter now, unless I find some super awesome deals.

Then I put up plastic on the windows, and played my wonderful guitar for an hour. I headed down stairs to do a cardio dance workout video, showered off and made some delicious fahitas for dinner. And suddenly as I sat down to finally work on my paper things got rough.

I just couldn't focus as I thought about decisions that need to be made for my future. My mind wanders to the choices and possibilities and I go crazy with fear and anxiety. Recently I've even thought I need to see a doctor about my anxiety issues, because sometimes it gets really out of control. But today I was able to calm myself down with this thought:

Sometimes I feel so impatient to get to the next point in my life that I forget to stop and marvel at the crazy life that is flying right before my eyes. So in the next few weeks I'm going to try to enjoy the chaos and forget about my future. 

Here goes nothing....

Day 210- November 26th: Dulano's

Today I headed back to the cities, in hopes of completing some homework, and meeting up with a very important person. We watched a movie and then headed to Dulano's Pizza for Bluegrass concerts galore. It was wonderful, except our waitress hated us in so many ways. First we moved tables, then I spilled water everywhere. Oh well, it was a great time and great pizza and some delicious summit!

Day 209- November 25th: a run in.

So today was black friday. I didn't get up at 3am like most people, but around 9 i decided to try my luck and just check out a few stores, since I'm in desperate need of some sweaters that fit. I didn't have much luck, but I did happen to run into one of my best friends from high school. It was great to see him and to catch up on life. Sometimes you just hate running into people from your past, but this was one I was very happy to see.

Day 208-November 24th: Thakfulness

So... it's corny. We go around the table and say something we are thankful for. We actually haven't done this in my family recently, and today I was so rushed to chow down my food before the packer game, that I didn't even think about it. So here I sit, thinking about it days later.  10 things I'm thankful for:
1. Love. It stupid and wonderful. It definitely makes us do dumb things, but it's breathtaking and incredible in every single way. It floods you with joy and with sadness, and causes you to feel things you never thought possible. It's just plain amazing,
2. My ability to choose where I go in life. I can go anywhere I want. Arizona, Texas, China, Thailand, North Dakota, or I can stay here. And I'm grateful for the many options.
3. My education. After this year of working in a room with many under privileged children I have become grateful not only to  attend such stellar schools, but also to grow up in a house hold where education is so valued.
4. The Green Bay Packers and Aaron Rodgers. Seriously. They make my life bearable and they are awesome. Go Pack Go!
5.  My iPod. Where would I be without this? Definitely way more depressed.
6. My two feet. Running has become a true outlet for my frustration, stress, and happiness, all in one. I'm glad I can use these two feet for something so wonderful
7.  My family, mostly for being so supportive of my decisions. I've made some pretty bad ones, and someone has always been there to help me through them.
8. My soul mate, Rebecca Nelson, for always encouraging me to dream big, and eating ice cream or whiskey with me when my dreams fall apart.
9. Second, and maybe even third chances. I'm thankful that I can try to be forgiving of others, and that others can be forgiving of me.
10. Coffee, for keeping me awake and Jameson, for helping me sleep. This year would be impossible without you. I know this one seems shallow, but I have to be honest...these two things are necessary in my life.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Day 207-November 23rd: Browns

It was my first Thanksgiving being able to drink out at the bars. So right after getting home we heading to the Brew Pub for a delicious stout, followed by some Octoberfest. Daryn had 2 more beers while me and Luka chugged some water. Then we did the traditional crossover to Nutz Deep 2, where I ran into my old Arby's manager. It was great to talk to him about life (he's living in the cities working as security manager for IKEA and has a cute little boy) and it was nice to hear another voice that was impressed with my achievements since I left the great roast beef. We quickly chugged our drinks and I took my first trip to Brown's. I plan on never going back. After getting hit on by some random guy, and then running into the entire class of 2008 (only the ones I get annoyed with) I just don't think i'll want to go back. I chugged my whiskey and we headed to the best bar in Marshfield for 2 bloody marys and cheese fries. Yum!

Day 206- November 22: Tacos and Pie

Today after class I went to Sally's with my brother for beer and free tacos. It was a delicious meal, and we followed it up by making our traditional Thanksgiving pies together. It was great to catch up with him and to make my contribution to the Thanksgiving meal. He made a raspberry apple crumb pie, and I made pumpkin cheesecake. Yum! and the Bell's two hearted and tacos weren't bad either.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Day 205-November 21st: new boots and conferences

So today I spent my lunch break shopping for new boots. It has come to my attention that I just simply will not have time to make it to the mall anytime soon, and the boots I wore today have holes in them. So....here are my new black boots and my new brown boots (you have to change the color on the site.) I spent $120 with shipping, which I didn't think was too bad. And they were both rated super well by previous uses and were both listed as "super comfy." I'll probably spend a bit of money on some waterproof spray, but then I should be good to go. I also had conferences tonight. It was truly interesting to me. I got to meet with both the highest and lowest students, but it was wonderful, because Abby found points of work, and points of joy for both students (and all.) You go in trying your best not to judge the parents, but it's so hard when you know what some of the kids go through. I also got to see several of the conferences with a translator, which was quite interesting. I also stopped and got monistat for my yeast infection. Have I mentioned recently that I hate being a girl???

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Day 204-November 20th: packer scarf

Today I finished my first Packer scarf! woohooo! I'm really excited. Also I think I have a yeast infection, which is just on cherry on top of my stress. This morning I finished and turned in my social studies lesson plan, and then I went to work for 3 hours. I would also like to point out that the Green Bay Packers are undefeated (I'd like to thank Jon for the text updates) and that they are incredible!

Day 203-November 19th: moving south

Well today was the first snow of the winter and I'm pissed. I hate this season. It got me really thinking about the fact that maybe, just maybe, I would be really happy moving somewhere warmer. On the way home from work I got stuck in super bad traffic (there was an accident) and then I had to shovel. On the upside while shopping at Kohl's for work today (yes i have the best job ever) I happened upon my running shoes at half off! I spent $54 dollars, but that'll save me $50 when I need to buy shoes next spring. I probably should have spent that money on new boots since I seriously need them, but whatever. I also convinced my co-worker to purchase a pair and I think I'm starting to convince her to run a 5k or 10k with me next summer :) I spent the entirety of my evening working on my Social Studies Lesson plan, which is now almost complete.

Day 202-November 18th: Join the Dance

I ended up working tonight, and boy am I glad that I did. I went to see one of my kids perform in "Join the Dance." This was the coolest performance I have ever seen. They had some of the most incredible dancers dancing with adults and children with disabilities. And all of the songs were performed by the Minnesota Chamber Chorale! Not only did I get to see a really cool performance and meet some of Ben's choreographers, but I got paid to do it. Afterward I went out with my co-worker. We needed to catch up since we hadn't worked together in over 2 weekends. We got some delicious spinach and artichoke dip. It was a wonderful night and it was truly inspirational to see.
here is a link to the Join the Dance site

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Day 201-November 17th: Trials and Dust

Today was one of those days where there is so much thrown at you that you just feel completely overwhelmed. As we discussed our next semester with the creator of our program I could feel the stress building. I start the TPA in January? Oh I have night class 2 times a week for the first 8 weeks and then still once a week? I'm suppose to do full time teaching for 2-3 weeks in March? Why yes, I did sign up to take the 4 hour MTLE exam in January. The one in March? Yep. Got it! Wait!!!!!! This is all supposed to happen in the course of 10 weeks? For real??? By the end of the 20 minute discussion session on when we wanted to have class (someone suggested Friday night, for God's sake!) I was just so frustrated that I left class as fast as I could. And on my way home I got some alright music. And then I got this...

"Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink."

What I got from it: Happiness is kicking in, and I'm almost there and if I don't hit these challenges head on, I will never get there. So for a brief 2 minutes I considered quitting the program. But, watch out world. I'm going to take your TPA, your MTLE exams, your EL class, your seminar, your full time teaching and I'm going to show you what Tiara is really all about. I'm not a quitter, so why would I become one now. I'm going to take each and every thick block of cement the U has placed in front of me and I'm going to blast it into tiny pieces of dust. Here I come world.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day 200- November 16: realism

I rarely ever post the morning of the day I'm posting for, but I know precisely how today is going to go. It will end in pure and utter stress from tacking on a night class to my already crazy schedule. But it will be wonderful, because I'm treating myself to dinner out with my ILP girls at Annies. Burgers and Milkshakes here we come! I'm also going to try to workout after class. Wish me luck!

Yesterday I started to get insanely realistic about my choices for next year. Never a good thing. I should still be dreaming at this point. Sometimes I feel like I should just buy a globe, have someone blind fold me, spin it super fast and point my finger on any location. And that is where I should move. Maybe it will still get to that point, but for right now I have class to get to.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Day 199- November 15th: The Gash

So today was a long day. I found myself almost immediately zoning out during my reading class. I also had to keep constantly trying my mechanic. (yes poor little civic is sick again :( ) I finally got a hold of him and will be taking the car in to hopefully get it fixed on Thursday. This means, that unfortunately I will have to miss my conferences. But, as I pointed out yesterday, I'm a human being. Anyway this song came on while I was walking home. "Will the fight for your sanity, be the fight of your life?"

Day 198- November 14th: Still a human being

Today as my social studies teacher gave us stipulations for our microteaching, she mentioned something that I thought was noteworthy. She said, "You are not just a teacher, you are all still human beings." This struck me, and so I took the night off from doing any sort of work whatsoever, and watched the packer game, at legends, where I spent 12 dollars on drinks. I tried really hard not to feel bad.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Day 197-November 13th: a picture from my mother

My mom sent me this in my email inbox today and I loved it!

Day 196-November 12th: Fargo

I left for my trip to Fargo today, and I had a great time. I met a friend there and we went out for drinks and super nice cheese plate and surf and turf dinner. I should have taken pictures. It was delicious. Then we spent our night catching up, relaxing, and talking about the future. After many long conversations about what I want I'm sure about one thing and one thing only: I want to be a teacher. A complete 180 in my life....right? Also, I'm in love, thus complicating my life for forever.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Day 195-November 11th: 11/11/11

Wow! it's 11/11/11! amazing. Anyway today we had a grading day for inservice. We spent our morning learning about blogging (I didn't really learn that much) since our kids have started blogging about their books. Next week they will be blogging about their dreams for their future, and when parents come in for conferences we are going to have them respond to their students dream. I can also go in and read what students wrote about their books and comment on them, or ask them questions. It's so cool! You can also respond to their posts!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day 194-November 10th: A lot of rainfall

Today was a really rough day. The kids were insane, and it was one of those days where I really didn't understand why I chose this as my career. I got home and hit a mental breakdown point when my English Language professor emailed me saying that I'd have to start my papers over because the student I was studying left. Therefore on top of all the teaching I will be doing next time I'm at the school I will also have to find three 20 min sessions for interviews with an individual kid, and time to re-write two papers and complete a third. Upon reading this something clicked and I started sobbing just thinking about all the stress of next few weeks. Luckily my teacher sent me home with some window markers :) Here is what I did with them:
"It takes a lot of rainfall for trees to grow big and strong"

"Ask Yourself: How do I want to grow today?"

Day 193-November 9th: scared shitless

Every semester I've been in college I have made myself a CD mix with my favorite songs. It's my way of recording that portion of my life. This year I haven't been doing so well. It's November and I'm still not done with it! And what I do have is sadly all Ryan Adams (as usual.) Anyway today a song came on while I was working out. A great, but old song. Anyway the following lyrics are the ones I felt.
"We all have wings, but some of us don't know why."
Not sure what my wings are for, or where exactly they will lead me. And I'm scared absolutely shitless about it. I always have a plan. I'm known for always being on time, and always being very focused on my future. So for me to look myself in the mirror and ask, "Where are you going?" is a huge deal, because I've never not known.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Day 192-November 8th: I want to be a teacher :)

There are some days where I am so confident in my choice to become a teacher that all parts of my life fade away. Today was one of those days. I had a great writing in response to lit lesson, and I got to discuss Cooperation with the kids. I also saw a few students really advance in our math class today, which is always encouraging. Also, as a note to myself, if I ever end up adopting a cute little boy from Africa and get to name him, I shall name him Abdiaziz, after my favorite student. (I know I'm not supposed to have favorites, but if you met this kid you would have a favorite too.)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Day 191-November 7th: Math Interview and Eid

We had a ton of students gone today for the celebration of Eid. Anyway it was an okay day. The students were mostly calm, since there weren't so many of them, screaming for more classrooms with fewer students in each class. We got to read a book on Neil Armstrong today :) My pick for a vocabulary book, because it's a social studies non-fiction book and I'm going to integrate social studies anyway I can. This afternoon I had my math interview on fractions. I love when students are excited to work with me. Today the 5th grader I worked with asked diligently if he would get to work with me everyday. I sadly had to respond no. I worked super hard on my math paper, since I got a C on the last one (probably part of my reason for the depression.) This is the first (and hopefully only) C I will ever get. I think I did a great job on it. I cited a lot of evidence and reviewed it 2 times, unfortunately I forgot about finishing my laundry or the reading I was supposed to do tonight. I'll catch up on everything eventually.....

I fell in love with a song today :) I'll just let it tell you how I feel.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day 190-November 6th: Without you

New guilty pleasure song.
Today was a good day. I woke up super early due to dumb daylight savings, but I went for a 3 mile run at 7am, and did some homework. Then I went to work and got to do a lot of different stuff with the kids, so it went really quick, and I was able to watch the nail biting packer game.

Also, I got some of the best texts ever today :D

Day 189-November 5th: my pledge

Today I got to discussing my future with someone I love very much. It was a good conversation, because it really got me to thinking about the fact that I have no plan. As much as I wish I could live the life he was suggesting (that of traveling and never settling down) it is something that is impossible to do as a teacher. Traveling has always been a unexplored dreams that gets shoved to the side as I think about all the impracticalities of it. Firstly it's expensive. Although the majority of my lucky fellow college students took part in a study abroad program I opted to save my money and graduate a year early. I just couldn't make my 60 grand of debt 70 grand of debt. Secondly, I've always been undecided about where I want to go and what I want to do there. Thirdly, I'm not the kind of girl who can live out of a backpack and have things constantly chaging. I'm not a fan of change, to say the least. But, it's a real dream, and I should do it. And so, this is a pledge to myself that I will spend at least 1-3 years volunteering or teaching in other countries. Not sure where I'll go or what I'll be doing, but I want to do it. I still feel completely and utterly crazy, but I think I'm getting back to a semi normal state of mind. At least I'm considering options rather than just agreeing to one.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Day 188-November 4th: The ghost has got me runnin....

Highlight of my week? Pizza with my girls tonight! and falling in love with a new Ryan Adams song.
I had inservice today, which was actually partly helpful. I got to help make individualized lesson plans, and I volunteered to help with some kids in Readers Workshop. Hoping this will help me explore the literacy coach side of possibilities.

Day 187-November 3rd: Love and Inspiration

Today was a rough day indeed. The kids were crazy, given we do not have school tomorrow, and I had a rough night emotionally. I broke up with my boyfriend tonight, and while it was hard I'm surprised at how well I'm taking it. I think that partly I'm just too busy to even notice, but also I think I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm really happy with my decision. Where do I go from here? I have a few ideas, but I'm not going to share them just yet. They are for me to consider, and I'll let everyone know when I figure it out. This was my quote today, and it seemed super fitting:
Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong.
- Ella Fitzgerald

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Day 186-November 2nd: The crazier side of me

In the last 24 hours I would say that I have gone crazy. Yes, some people who talk to me in the near future will probably think I belong in an insane asylum, and maybe I do. But I'm happy, so all you people who think I'm crazy can get of your high horses and stop judging me for the decisions I make. Yes, they may be crazy, stupid decisions given past experiences (that you will say I should have learned from.) But, if they are decisions that will make me happy then you can all go shove a sock in it. --Unless you have something nice to say, like my dear friend Rebecca Nelson, who pointed out how "insanely" happy I looked. :D

Also, I had a really wonderful day as a teacher today. I think I would like to be a teacher when I grow up. Maybe.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Day 185-November 1st: Tickets!

Today was a long day. I was at the school for 10 hours and came home and did another 2.5 hours of homework. Super tired. Anyway, I taught a great integrations lesson today that the students loved :) It made me super happy. Anyway when I got home these wonderful things were sitting in front of my door.

That's right! Ryan Adams tickets! woohooo!!!! cannot wait until December.

Day 184-October 31st: Back to Teaching

Today was quite a day. It was my first day back at the school, and the day I was observed by my science professor for my science lesson. So many things have changed, including losing two of my favorite students. It was kind of exciting and nerve racking to immediately be thrown back into the teacher role, but I survived the day, and my lesson when alright. All in all I'm still unsure of what I want, but after today I'm a bit more sure that I'm at least on the right path. I'm starting to think that eventually I really want to go back to school to specialize in reading and become a reading coach.