Saturday, December 17, 2011

Day 230- December 16th: Who am I????

I got to thinking today about the decisions of my future. I get nervous that the options I hardly consider will be the ones that are perfect for me. Some just seem way too scary. But then....the one I think about the most should be the most scary, so why isn't it?
 I don't ask opinions anymore. I know what people will say. The best friend will tell me to go for it, she's always supportive and spontaneous. And I love that about her. I need a spontaneous friend. The rents? They'd freak, and be concerned about the exact same things I'm concerned about (finding a job, housing, how i'll move.) The brothers. I got their opinions. They somehow managed to freak me out briefly, followed by my defiant side that says I don't care what others think anymore. My other friends? I know their opinions too. But like I said it's MY decision. Not anyone else's.
But I can't possibly. I think the reason I'm okay diving into this scary situation is that it's actually the easy way out for me. If I take this route I will possibly end up giving up everything I want. Or, I could get everything I've ever wanted. And then suddenly I realize (for the billionth time) that this is not a problem about the decision of where to go, it is a problem about me, still not knowing who I am. Do I want to be a housewife or a full-time lifelong teacher? Do I want to live in the suburbs, a city, or a rural area? Do I want to be the hot obnoxious girlfriend or the down to earth single girl? Do I want to be reliant or independent? Who am I?

Truth be told I'm 21, and I have no idea. The only problem is that I need to find out in the next 5-8 months. When the hell did I become an adult???

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