So I've been doing exactly what I was supposed to do 3and a half years ago. Thinking about me and what I want for me future. On sunday I went for a nice long walk (like 4 miles) and listened to Trampled By Turtles. I finally started on the next item on the list. What I want for a potential "us" someday. What do I want my "us" to look like. I've never thought of myself as a girl who would be single for the rest of her life. In fact I had never even considered it until this walk. How strange it would be if that was how I ended up. Truth be told, that is just not what I want. Major life decision number one. I will not end up single. Then I got to thinking about my ideal man. My mother made me make a list of qualities for my future man when i was like 15. I have no idea where this list is, but I know it has changed. Mostly I started thinking about all the men I dated and the things I disliked about them. So here is my list.
1. Openness and communication. If you can't communicate in a relationship (for whatever reason) it's not going to work. Sometimes there just isn't that connection. Sometimes their are barriers that just can't be broken.
2. Honesty. This one goes along with the last one. If you lie once, shame on you. If you lie twice, then shame on me for staying with you. I'm not talking about small little lies, I'm talking about big ones.
3. Certainty and confidence. I'm sure this one isn't true for everyone, but for a girl who is so planned out it is necessary. Show me you know what you want and that you know how to get it and you win. I don't have time to waste waiting around for you to make your mind up. I have a life of my own, and I'm pretty certain where I want to go. I need you to be confident in who you are, because I need a good example.
4. Independence but in need of a better half. You smother me and I will feel so overwhelmed that I will breakdown for days straight. I'm an independent person who is very set in her ways and routine. I know that there has to be some give in a relationship, but we need to have our independent lives as well as our lives with each other. Relationships are meant to add meaning to both peoples lives, not take away from them.
5. Kind but critical. You have to be kind to me and the world, but take it for what it is. I'm not perfect, and to put me in that esteem makes me feel like there are even more things wrong with me. There are things I need to fix, there are things everyone needs to fix, but there are kind ways of saying it. For example: Instead of saying I'm way less hot than I used to be tell me you notice i've cut back on my workouts. This makes me feel bad about nixing some good habit rather than lowering my self esteem to the point of zero.
6. Never thought i'd say this but...healthy, active, and adventurous. Active? 15 year old Tiara would have wanted a guitar player or singer. nope. I want a guy who will do fun fit activities with me. I'm not saying you have to be a health nut (i'm certainly not...ice cream is my best friend) but you do have to live a healthy lifestyle of sorts. Adventurous because, well, I'm not. And I need someone to push me.
Anyway this list is far from over, but it's a start, and I still haven't made the point I want to make. As far as an "us" is concerned, with any man, I'm not ready. I know sort of what I want to be and what I want "him" to be, but I have no idea how I want my relationships to go. And so I will continue to contemplate: Breadwinner vs stay at home dad. A life revolving around our children vs a live in the moment for us lifestyle. The ideas are endless and I know there are ranges in between. So heres to the start of figuring out what I want.